Valuing Life at All Stages of Development

On January 10, 2011 at 3:00 AM, my wife went into labor. This was not the plan. The plan was to get a C-Section a week later. But Jocelyn Theresa—the beautiful girl we had prayed for by name for so long—didn’t seem to be playing by our rules.

We checked into the hospital laughing and joking, but our excitement faded quickly when the nurses seemed unable to pick up Jocelyn’s heartbeat on the fetal monitor. Soon the room was filled with doctors, nurses and equipment, and before we knew it, our little girl was gone.

At Jocelyn’s memorial service, we grieved our loss with the hundreds of people who joined us from around the country. But we also celebrated her life, because although it was far, far shorter than we had hoped, it was still worthy of celebration. God was still gracious to give her to us, even for a little while.

The Bible tells us to rejoice with those who rejoice and mourn with those who mourn (Romans 12:15), and this is typically how our culture deals with death. Most people, across denominations and even most religions, believe in the importance of comforting those who grieve the loss of a loved one. But we are less certain when it comes to those who have lost children to miscarriage or stillbirth.

As a pastor for many years, I was often faced with couples who were dealing with the tragedy of miscarriage. Many times, they were devastated. Some had been having a very difficult time conceiving. When they finally got pregnant, they were so excited, only to have their hearts broken. But it can be difficult for anyone who has not experienced this kind of loss to understand why it can be so painful.

Couples that experience a miscarriage—particularly early in the pregnancy— are often expected to get over it pretty quickly. There is no funeral or memorial service and few cards and condolences. The world moves on and expects the parents to do the same. But if we truly value life at all stages of development, we can and should do a better job caring for those who have suffered a stillbirth or miscarriage.

One church I served held a “Blue Christmas” service each year, geared toward those who had recently lost loved ones and were facing their first Christmas without them. This church also welcomed parents who had experienced a stillbirth or miscarriage to this service, recognizing the significance of that loss. I would like to see more churches follow this example or offer memorial services for miscarried babies. These could occur around Mother’s Day or on an individual basis, depending on the needs and preferences of particular families.

Our job in the church is not to tell people how to mourn, but to comfort the fainthearted (1Thessalonians 5:14). We also need to watch what we say, so that we do not unintentionally add to their pain. Often people who have a miscarriage have their experience, and therefore their child, minimized by well meaning people. We say things like:

“There must have been something wrong with it so God was just protecting you and the baby.”

“Don’t worry, you can try again soon.”

“I had a miscarriage too. You will get over it soon.”

“I am so sorry, but at least it happened early.”

While statements like these are often well intended, they can have the effect of dismissing or invalidating the grieving parents’ emotional response to their loss. We need to be quick to listen and slow to speak (James 1:19) and to remember that grieving people need our company and support far more than our advice.

In the end, there is not one “right” way to deal with miscarriage, but part of valuing life is honoring those lost even early in pregnancy. We need to be willing to let parents mourn as they need to mourn. We need to allow the Spirit to comfort as only the Spirit can, and we need to be available to bless such families in their time of need.